June 19, 2017


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Eh, hello there.
Its been a while. Nah, its been fucking years right? how i miss writing.

"I wish i could fading away. With no one will notice, with no one will know about my disappearance, with no one will ever care. I just want to being born again. Fix my mistake. Fit the path that i take. Fix everything that make me feel that im a freaking useless.
Im not saying that im giving up. But life just too hard for me to being strong. I need more than strong to get through this. Theres alot of things getting in my way. Theres alot of wall that i need to break. I cant. Every single thing is getting harder and harder. Sometime i wonder, am i in the wrong path? Am i doing the right things? am i okay? Why im still doing this?"

Paragraph above was from my entry back then in 2015. Before i do this entry, aku scroll back to my previous entry and i was like daaaaaaaaaaaamn my writing was so good???? why now macam tahik? Ohoy, how i misssss writing. so much. I miss how i can interpret my feeling into word, how i am be able to write and feel so damn okay after that. Aku rasa that skill dah lama terkubur selepas aku quit UiTM. Hahaha. Theres a quote yang aku baca kat mana tah, its sound like this;

"Some write because it helps them to sort out their feelings. Some have a story to tell. And some write because nothing in the world makes them happier" 

And i think that quote answer everything. How "good" was my sad in life back then until aku dapat tulis something quite good like that? Kah. Apakah seorang Hana pada masa dahulu? What was on her mind? Like seriously? 

Okay, back to the paragraph that i copy and paste here,
today, in this freaking hour. Aku rasa aku dalam medium deja-vu. What i feel right now is quite same like how i felt on 25 November 2015. Dan semestinya, why im feeling this way is not about what im having now. im very, not very but totally happy with apa yang aku ada sekarang. Apa yang aku achieve sekarang. Im doing good with my study. i fulfill all of my wishes. and i think its all good? But yeah, its feel something is very wrong somewhere.

I think i have to do some re-checking, upgrading and re-packing how i live my life. Fix some mistake. yes. Fix that mistake. I have to. Before its too late. Adios. 

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